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if you have to force it, let it go

You guys have heard me talk about my previous “relationships” primarily my last long term relationship, and I’ve come away from that five years of my life having learned a lot of lessons (in a lot of ways I was probably always the independent one in that relationship) but after a long time of feeling undervalued and appreciated, you learn that sometimes it’s better to spend your energies in other places.

I certainly was always a pretty independent person, but as hard as it was to cue the curtain call on that relationship- I knew it didn’t define me. Who I was and everything I had worked so hard were not things that I was willing to sacrifice just to make someone else happy. Relationships are about compromise, and it became very clear that I was giving, and giving, and getting very little (and definitely nothing equivalent) back. Pay attention to the messages that person is sending you. Not just in what they say, what they text you- but they’re doing. If they don’t make a conscious effort to value and want you. Is that really the kind of person you want to be with?

@werenotreallystrangers

But even despite that, I’m not the kind of person who regrets things. I think all of these hurdles we face make us better people, stronger people, and make us resilient. So that the next time we find ourselves in a situation like that, we can recognize the signs early on. That doesn’t mean we don’t make the same mistakes ever again (cue the tragic repetitive mistakes of my love life….. why I don’t I ever learn???) but it certainly helps us to grow. In the moment it can be hellllla tough to recognize this, but when you come out of that tunnel vision headspace, you can bet that life has a funny way of working itself out and everything happens for a reason.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned over the years (from my own experiences as well as those in my life who have faced certain situations) is you truly do have to know yourself before you can even think about someone else being part of your life like that. I know that sounds pretty cliche but it is actually pretty true as well. Has something ever happened to you and it seems like the worst thing in the entire world, and then six months later you realize that if what you had wanted to happen in the first place did really happen, you would be in a very bad situation? Yeah, we can’t always see that in the moment.

Point being, especially when you’re in your twenties and thirties even, you’re still figuring yourself out. So if that relationship you’re trying to will to happen isn’t working out- chances are it’s not meant to. It’s okay to feel disappointed, but don’t let that consume you. If you don’t know who you are and your own values, how are you supposed to figure out if someone fits into your life or meets what you want in a person to be your partner? It’s not realistic, and I’ve got news for you- if it works out, it’s likely bound to crash and burn in the most dramatic of ways. I look back to 4 and a half years ago when I wasn’t sure if I made the right decision for that relationship to end, and then six months later when I met up with them for coffee all the reasons we didn’t work then, were even more abundantly clear then. I felt like a whole different person in that six months, and that relationship was preventing me from growing the way I was supposed to.

I struggle sometimes with what I’m going to talk about next, because I think often our friends like to support us by telling us how ‘awful’ a person is when we break up with them. It’s an immature thing to do, I wont lie, and I don’t love it. Maybe it’s the part of me that wants to see the best in everyone, but obviously if I have cared and have spent time with that person there are going to be parts of them that your friends won’t see. And we all know we go to our friends when we are upset or frustrated with our significant others. When we need to vent. So it’s easy for their view of that person to be really skewed, especially towards the end of a relationship. If I still have feelings for somebody a long time after things are done, there’s probably reasons why.

So in a totally non- immature teenager sort of way I say this – you don’t need to waste your time on someone if you’re not worth theirs. It’s ALWAYS easier to end things or breakup with someone if you have a reason to be upset or mad at them. Don’t I know it. The situations I struggle with most are always the ones where mutually things just don’t work out, because I’m a fixer and I can’t fix those. But truly, if you are bending yourself over backwards for someone who doesn’t value you- value your time, your energy, your efforts, and your love… stop wasting your time. It doesn’t mean things need to be ugly or you have to be petty- in a mature and adult way, maybe it’s just time to move on.

@sheconquers

Another mistake that people often make is sacrificing their own needs and their own goals to “fit” into a relationship they aren’t meant to be in. Sometimes in life, we grow up, we change, and those people don’t fit in our lives anymore. It pushes us out of our comfort zone, and challenges us to look inside ourselves (sometimes into parts of us we don’t really want to see). We learn that we may not be the same people when we started this thing (more on this in another post for another day)… the point being:

If you are having to make yourself small to fit in someone else’s box. You aren’t meant to be with them.

If you have to force it, you’re not meant to be with them.

I don’t know who’s reading this that needs to hear this, but if this resonates with you, likely you needed that reminder today. You dont need permission to move forward if something just isn’t working out despite your best efforts. Longingly wishing that someone will change for you or that you can repair what is beyond broken will only make you feel even less secure in yourself and impair you from potentially meeting someone who makes you really really happy.

I can TELL you, firsthand- that thing people say about the right person will come along when you least expect it? It’s true. Just over a year ago I was in a situation which had been going on for wayyyy too long- to the point that I second guessed every interaction, and was constantly in my own head about it. There were literally no positives. I was so wrapped up in that I completely missed an opportunity with someone who I had no expectations of, but surprisingly really enjoyed being with. And that’s probably the closest I have gotten to regretting anything I’ve done when it comes to relationships. So take it from me – if you have to force it, then it’s not worth it.

But on the same token, you have to let yourself feel these things. Acknowledge it, understand it, and move on. If you do the Chantal signature move and just push everything deeper and deeper, it is bound to rear its ugly head sooner than later, and likely will ruin something you actually genuinely may care about.

So for today I’m going to end off there. Because it’s easy to say these things after the fact, but to practice what we preach can be REALLY damn hard in the moment. But as we move on with our lives in the middle of a really tough year, maybe it’ll give us an opportunity to reflect on some of all of this and how we act/react moving forward

That’s all for now,

– C

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