Happy Love Day y’all!
It’s February the 14th, which also means everyone with a significant other posting on every social media outlet how luckkkkkkky they are etc. etc. If you’re chilling on your couch with a bottle of wine crying over your recent breakup though, that’s also seriously cool . Like any holiday, V-Day brings a mix of emotions which are different for everyone because one thing’s for sure. Relationships are not black and white.
So what better day to dive deep into this treacherous subject matter… Okay, first off- let’s just start by saying (like always), I am not an expert on this and I sure don’t have it all figured out (I actually had a little laugh to myself thinking about writing this post because it’s a well known fact my love life is much more fitting for some sitcom than a Disney movie, but hey I say entertainment is entertainment)
I’ve always been a pretty independent person in that I never felt I “needed” to be dating someone. Sure it can be a lot of fun (and truly I’ve met and incidentally become really good friends with some people through dating), but I was never the girl who always had a boyfriend (we all have at least one person in our life like that). I was, however in a relationship for a pretty decent amount of time and made a lot of sacrifices for them that I probably wouldn’t now.
There’s something to be said though in needing to be confident and know who you are before you put yourself out there for a couple of reasons- 1) when something goes wrong, you will blame yourself and take things very personally, and 2) you have to know what your own values are because you can’t compromise everything about yourself just for fear of a relationship failing. Even as a pretty confident and independent person I’ve experienced how easy it is when you’re trying to make things “work” which is interesting because I would never let someone walk all over me in any other aspect of my life.
Honestly though, I have a lot of moments where I wonder if I would be able to make someone “fit” into my life. With how crazy my life is sometimes I think selfishly I don’t know if I could add any more “commitment” to my plate. I run from any sense of that word at the best of times (I have buyers remorse about the shirt I bought this week, let alone “committing” to anything!) so I run realllll far, realllll fast (and here we are living my best single life!) Cue my Indian relatives inquiring “when I am going to find a nice husband” with a side of “why would you be a nurse not a doctor?” (not to stereotype but…..) Remember that thing where I said you are never going to please everyone? Ya, this is the moment where I remind myself of it too.
I have a tough time looking at some people who have dated the same person since they were in in high school or university because I think of how much I have changed and grown over the past few years alone. I know it totally works for some people (and I am SO happy/ envious of you) but I know it wouldn’t for me. When I stepped out of that 5 years and turned off the blinders, I looked at how fundamentally different I was as a person. When I’ve met people and told them that I dated somebody for that long they almost always apologize for me “wasting my time”, but I would actually argue I learned a lot about myself.
I learned the hard way after a decently long relationship that you can’t compromise who you are or your values for a relationship or it will never work. You can’t change somebody, and chances are if you are frustrated about something now, those fundamental things will only get worse. I also know now what I am not willing to tolerate in a relationship, and what I actually really value. I don’t waste my time, because I don’t have a lot of it (I will admit maybe I pursue people/ things that I expect to fail and actively avoid any situation which might mean feelings are involved).
I very rarely actually find myself interested in anyone enough to pursue anything or make myself vulnerable. My friends know if they hear me say I am that one of the following is happening:
- I am extremely unwell
- If I am legit interested, they can cue the self sabotage annnnnny time now
I’m a big believer that things do happen for a reason – one of my really good friends once told me when I was contemplating a breakup that some people are just meant to be in your life at certain parts of it. I remember that a lot when something I thought had good potential falls through and I’m disappointed. At the end of the day, I’ve met some pretty cool people dating and the stories (good and bad) have been an added bonus!
What I’ve come to realize is that people all approach dating, relationships, or whatever-you-are-calling-it-or-not-calling-it very differently. For us to expect others to react in the same way is unrealistic. We’ve normalized a culture of not having conversations about things and knowing “where we stand” for fear of rejection and failure (and I am hellllla guilty of this because I absolutely hate feelings). Which makes things so much harder.
I’ve noticed that over the years, a lot of people say V-Day is “stupid” and that’s your prerogative not to choose it as your favourite holiday. But don’t rain on everyone’s parade just because you are down that you’re single, or not spending the day with your soulmate. I think Valentine’s Day is more than that- spreading positivity and love, and celebrating the people in your life who you care about. With all the negativity in society today, we probably need a dedicated a day to be kinder to others! That doesn’t have to be only your partner, it could be your friends or your family. You don’t have to be in a relationship to celebrate it, and if you’re not that’s also okay (I’m with you!) I’ve chosen to take a “whatever is meant to be will be attitude” and continue to feel fulfilled by the many things in my life. If someone fits into that, perfect. And if not, also perfect.
Whatever you’re doing today spread some love! To your special someone, out in the world, and to yourself.
xo, – C